Working in the Emergence room I have seen a lot. Things that have made me happy, sad, mad and just plain grossed out.
What is it with people sticking stuff up their asses? I have seen potatoes, squash, carrots, bananas, frozen grapes, dildos, vibrators, curling irons, and toys. Toys like Barbie's hunk-of-a-man Ken. Some guy came in one night with a Ken doll stuck up his ass. The dumb ass that he was, stuck Ken in head first. You may ask why does that make him dumb. Here's why, when the guy tried to pull Ken out, Ken's arms raised up. So of course Ken wouldn't come out. Each time we tried to remove Ken his arms would raise and the man would scream. It was actually kind of funny. We finally had to slide some scissors up his ass and cut Ken's arms off. Then we were able to pull Ken out, but then we had to fish his arms out.
To this day I still have trouble walking down the Barbie aisle at the toy story.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
What just hit me?
Lets take a trip back to when I was in fourth grade.
It was a warm Spring day and the wind was blowing pretty hard. It was lunch time, a group of my friends and me were outside sitting under a tree. We were eating are lunches and talking. When a gust of wind came up and the paper bag I had my lunch in started to blow way. As I reached out to grab it, I saw a spot red and white flash before me. I followed the flash of color down, then I felt something hit me in the stomach. I looked down and saw a pinkish red spot on my new white shirt. I also saw a white/pinkish red tube on the ground next to me. What ever could it be? I ran and got a teacher, when I showed her where I was sitting she was amazed. Why you might ask? Well, maybe it is because the tree I was sitting under was covered with blood soaked tampons.
To this day I still can't walk down the tampon aisle!!! GROSS
It was a warm Spring day and the wind was blowing pretty hard. It was lunch time, a group of my friends and me were outside sitting under a tree. We were eating are lunches and talking. When a gust of wind came up and the paper bag I had my lunch in started to blow way. As I reached out to grab it, I saw a spot red and white flash before me. I followed the flash of color down, then I felt something hit me in the stomach. I looked down and saw a pinkish red spot on my new white shirt. I also saw a white/pinkish red tube on the ground next to me. What ever could it be? I ran and got a teacher, when I showed her where I was sitting she was amazed. Why you might ask? Well, maybe it is because the tree I was sitting under was covered with blood soaked tampons.
To this day I still can't walk down the tampon aisle!!! GROSS
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
ER story #4 - Where did my beer go?
Put on your swim suit, grab the bottle opener and pop that cap on that beer. That's right it is PARTY time.
So the EMTs brought in a man one night that was clearly drunk. When they moved him onto the ER bed they laid him on his stomach and placed some pillows under his stomach. When I asked why they did that, (I should have known) they replied with "check out his ass." I looked and there it was, a beer bottle. According to the guy, he did a canon ball into a swimming pool and unknown to him there was a beer bottle floating in the pool. I looked at him and said "are you telling me you canon balled into a pool and landed square on top of a bottle?" "In order to do that you would have had to been naked and the bottle would have had to be floating perfectly straight up." His reply to that was, "yep"....
I call bullshit.
So the EMTs brought in a man one night that was clearly drunk. When they moved him onto the ER bed they laid him on his stomach and placed some pillows under his stomach. When I asked why they did that, (I should have known) they replied with "check out his ass." I looked and there it was, a beer bottle. According to the guy, he did a canon ball into a swimming pool and unknown to him there was a beer bottle floating in the pool. I looked at him and said "are you telling me you canon balled into a pool and landed square on top of a bottle?" "In order to do that you would have had to been naked and the bottle would have had to be floating perfectly straight up." His reply to that was, "yep"....
I call bullshit.
Monday, September 1, 2008
ER story #3 - Where's the beef?
Ok, I wasn't actually at the hospital for this one. It was my day off but I did see the patient's chart the next night so I know the doctor wasn't lying.
One evening a young man came into the emergency room. He walked up to the admissions desk and asked to be seen immediately. He was told he had to fill out the paperwork before being seen. He sat down and began filling out the papers. Shortly there after, he passed out and fell to the ground. Two nurses came out, rolled him on his back and noticed his blood soaked jeans. They got him to a wheel chair and got him in back. When they got his pants off, they saw where the blood was coming from.
= FLASH BACK =
Earlier that evening, the young man and his girlfriend were having sex. Let's say he was well equiped and she was a newbie. When they were done he was unable to pull out. Being a virgin, she was a little tight. On top of that, she had a muscle spasm. They tried many things to try and get her to relax, but had no luck. The young man got worried and lifted her off of him in one quick motion. He grabbed her by the hips and pushed back, hard and fast. This of course fixed the problem. But as she slid off of him, so did his foreskin.
That's right, you heard me.
One evening a young man came into the emergency room. He walked up to the admissions desk and asked to be seen immediately. He was told he had to fill out the paperwork before being seen. He sat down and began filling out the papers. Shortly there after, he passed out and fell to the ground. Two nurses came out, rolled him on his back and noticed his blood soaked jeans. They got him to a wheel chair and got him in back. When they got his pants off, they saw where the blood was coming from.
= FLASH BACK =
Earlier that evening, the young man and his girlfriend were having sex. Let's say he was well equiped and she was a newbie. When they were done he was unable to pull out. Being a virgin, she was a little tight. On top of that, she had a muscle spasm. They tried many things to try and get her to relax, but had no luck. The young man got worried and lifted her off of him in one quick motion. He grabbed her by the hips and pushed back, hard and fast. This of course fixed the problem. But as she slid off of him, so did his foreskin.
That's right, you heard me.
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