The start of Netflix

Wine expert NOT; 3 Blind Moose

Once again I broaden my horizons and tried a new wine. 3 Blind Moose was on the menu for the night. I tried the 2005 California Chardonnay by 3 Blind Moose. It was smooth, a little fruity, and YUMMY. While you don't have to be blind to enjoy it, it may help. (Yes, I know that didn't make sense.)

I had tuna and rice with it and it mixed well. It even went great with cherry pie.

Reviews you can use; Wine Episode Fat Bastard

By no means should you take my word for this seriously, I am not a wine expert. This is just a regular man's view on some cheap yet hopefully tasty wine.

So Jane and I just tried a new wine, Thierry & Guy - Fat Bastard Chardonnay. We each had two glasses and while she nursed hers I drank mine like a homeless man looking for a warm night. As you can tell i might be a little buzzed. It was tasty yet a little bitter after the first glass. It was like drinking a good glass of Pine Sol. It definitely left a kick in the corner of your mouth. Jane says "it would go great with a creamy soup."


But it DOESN'T go good with burritos, which is what we had for dinner.

Karl, where are you??

For those of you who know and miss Karl don't worry. It looks as if his vacation was cut short and he is on his way back home. I have cleaned up for him and fluffed his pillow. It looks like he will be staying awhile or forever. Or until the surgery cuts his ulgy ass out.

DAMNIT Karl pay rent or get the hell out.

(For the whole Karl story click here.)

Healthcare or Torture?

So on Friday I drove across town to have a doctor look at the growth that is called Karl.

Everything was going great, will for the first two minutes of the visit that is. The doctor said that it wasn't a tumor (which three other doctors said it was) so YAY for me. So what the hell is it, I said. It turns out that it is a cyst. He said that it was the biggest cyst (in a mouth) that he had ever seen. Of course I said thank you and blushed just a little. It isn't often that someone can impress a doctor with a growth.

The doctor said that it needed to be drained right away. The doctor tried to numb my mouth and tongue. Notice I said TRIED, yeah he failed. As he cut into my tongue and the cyst that was hiding under my tongue I felt ever ounce of pain.

I know this isn't the best blog by give me credit I am high I VICODIN.

What the hell is that under my tongue?

So for the last week or so my tongue has been bothering me. I didn't really pay attention to it til last night. After I finished brushing my teeth I noticed that my tongue hurt. So I thought that I should look and see if I could see something. Well I did see something and it shocked me, under my tongue was what looked to be a grape. (I don't recall eating any grapes.)

So this morning I went to an Urgent Care, the first doctor i saw had no clue what it was. So she called in a second doctor. That doctor didn't know what it is either. So a third, forth, and a fifth doctor came in. After five different doctors looked and poked around in my month for about an hour, they decided that the growth under my tongue is either a cyst or a tumor.

You have to be shitting me a tumor. GREAT ..... what should I name it?

Missing Cervix

Missing: Have you seen Jane's cervix lately? It is missing a piece of it's self. It was last seen on Oct. 24th 2008. Please if you have any information about the missing piece please notify SucidialJane or Me.

Blue biscuits of love

So awhile back I had worked late at work the night before and got called into work around 11pm and worked til about 4am. Then I had to go back into work at 6am and worked til 10am. So when I got home from work Jane made me breakfast. She made homemade biscuits. Yummy I love biscuits. But when the biscuits came out of the oven there was something not right about them. Here is a picture of them, see if you can tell what is wrong with them.


That's right they are blue, I asked Jane why they were blue. Her reply was "I put blue food coloring in them, I know blue is your favorite color." Aww how sweet, but I grabbed the milk and smelled it. Yep the milk was a little off. I was nice and ate the biscuits anyways. Boy did I regret it. I was sick for the next few days. LOL So the question is, did she really put blue food coloring in them or was it bad milk?

A male is spotted at Hobby Lobby

For all you women out there that think it is a good idea to take their men to craft stores. This is what happens to them when left alone in these stores.



They find their inner Madonna.

ER story #5 What hasn't gone up there?

Working in the Emergence room I have seen a lot. Things that have made me happy, sad, mad and just plain grossed out.

What is it with people sticking stuff up their asses? I have seen potatoes, squash, carrots, bananas, frozen grapes, dildos, vibrators, curling irons, and toys. Toys like Barbie's hunk-of-a-man Ken. Some guy came in one night with a Ken doll stuck up his ass. The dumb ass that he was, stuck Ken in head first. You may ask why does that make him dumb. Here's why, when the guy tried to pull Ken out, Ken's arms raised up. So of course Ken wouldn't come out. Each time we tried to remove Ken his arms would raise and the man would scream. It was actually kind of funny. We finally had to slide some scissors up his ass and cut Ken's arms off. Then we were able to pull Ken out, but then we had to fish his arms out.

To this day I still have trouble walking down the Barbie aisle at the toy story.

What just hit me?

Lets take a trip back to when I was in fourth grade.

It was a warm Spring day and the wind was blowing pretty hard. It was lunch time, a group of my friends and me were outside sitting under a tree. We were eating are lunches and talking. When a gust of wind came up and the paper bag I had my lunch in started to blow way. As I reached out to grab it, I saw a spot red and white flash before me. I followed the flash of color down, then I felt something hit me in the stomach. I looked down and saw a pinkish red spot on my new white shirt. I also saw a white/pinkish red tube on the ground next to me. What ever could it be? I ran and got a teacher, when I showed her where I was sitting she was amazed. Why you might ask? Well, maybe it is because the tree I was sitting under was covered with blood soaked tampons.

To this day I still can't walk down the tampon aisle!!! GROSS

ER story #4 - Where did my beer go?

Put on your swim suit, grab the bottle opener and pop that cap on that beer. That's right it is PARTY time.

So the EMTs brought in a man one night that was clearly drunk. When they moved him onto the ER bed they laid him on his stomach and placed some pillows under his stomach. When I asked why they did that, (I should have known) they replied with "check out his ass." I looked and there it was, a beer bottle. According to the guy, he did a canon ball into a swimming pool and unknown to him there was a beer bottle floating in the pool. I looked at him and said "are you telling me you canon balled into a pool and landed square on top of a bottle?" "In order to do that you would have had to been naked and the bottle would have had to be floating perfectly straight up." His reply to that was, "yep"....

I call bullshit.

ER story #3 - Where's the beef?

Ok, I wasn't actually at the hospital for this one. It was my day off but I did see the patient's chart the next night so I know the doctor wasn't lying.

One evening a young man came into the emergency room. He walked up to the admissions desk and asked to be seen immediately. He was told he had to fill out the paperwork before being seen. He sat down and began filling out the papers. Shortly there after, he passed out and fell to the ground. Two nurses came out, rolled him on his back and noticed his blood soaked jeans. They got him to a wheel chair and got him in back. When they got his pants off, they saw where the blood was coming from.

= FLASH BACK =

Earlier that evening, the young man and his girlfriend were having sex. Let's say he was well equiped and she was a newbie. When they were done he was unable to pull out. Being a virgin, she was a little tight. On top of that, she had a muscle spasm. They tried many things to try and get her to relax, but had no luck. The young man got worried and lifted her off of him in one quick motion. He grabbed her by the hips and pushed back, hard and fast. This of course fixed the problem. But as she slid off of him, so did his foreskin.

That's right, you heard me.

ER story #2 - Green Slime

One afternoon a woman in her early twenties came into the Emergency Room, complaining of abdominal pain and a strange odor. After the she was admitted, I showed the patient to an exam room and asked her to change into a hospital gown. I closed the curtain and walked out of the room. Shortly after I heard a scream come from the patient's room, I ran in and saw the patient standing next to the bed crying. She had the gown loose around her shoulders and her underwear down around her ankles. Laying on the floor between her legs was a pile of what looked to be green slime. When the patient removed her underwear this slime dropped from between her legs.

Apparently a week earlier the patient and her boyfriend were poking around an old rundown house. There was trash and half eaten food all over the place. After looking around for awhile, they started fooling around. One thing lead to another and you guess it, they got naked. The patient said that at one point her boyfriend found a stick that was laying in the trash pile and thought that it would be a great toy.

One of the doctors did an exam and came to the conclusion that the stick that the boyfriend used on her was dirty. (Who would have thought.) After an exam of the green slime by the lab, it was found that slime was in fact rotten maggots. After a round of antibiotics and a good uterus washing, she was as good as new.

ER story #1 - 30% more

I have had some requests from some very important people to write about my Emergency Room stories. So here is my first of many ER stories.

So this story takes place at Denver University, this is an older hospital. One where the ER has no walls between the exam rooms, just off white curtains. So late one evening one of the ER doctors called up to the Operating Room, were I was working at the time, and asked if I would come down and assist him with something. His also asked me to bring the largest teethed forcep that we had in the hospital. When I arrived in the ER, he asked me to walk down to the last exam area and take a look at the man in the room. I did as he asked, the man was in a hospital gown and bent over the exam table. I couldn't see anything physically wrong with the man. The doctor gave me a look and told me to walk behind the man. As I did, I saw it, a perfect silver circle about three inches in diameter in the man's ass. I walked out of the room, met with the doctor and asked him what it was. The patient had apparently been horny earlier that evening and found pleasure in sliding things up his ass. The item of choice for his evening pleasure was a can of oven cleaner. Not just a regular can of oven cleaner, but the 30% more can of oven cleaner even.
As you may have guessed it, the can got stuck. The doctor and I walked into the room where the man was waiting. The doctor took the forceps from me and grabbed the edge of the oven cleaner can. The doctor began to pull on the can, the can gave a little and then retracted back. The doctor tried again, the can came out a little and then right back. The doctor continued to pull until finally the edge of the can were the doctor had the forceps placed broke. A cloud of white smoke started to fill the air. After the can had emptied it's self and we had given the patient a muscle relaxing the can was finally pulled free.

(Public Service Announcement: if you ever shove a can of oven cleaner up your ass, make sure you stick the bottom of the can in first. If not, you stick the nozzle end in first, the doctor tries to pull it out and it doesn't come out on the first try the nozzle will depress and oven cleaner will shoot into your abdomen. Which will burn a hole into your colon.)

Friday is a good day for BOOBS

Ok for those of you who don't know what I do for a living, I am a first asst for a group of surgeons. On Friday I was assisting a plastic surgeon and I had the pleasure to give the gift of all gifts to one lucky patient. That's right I gave the gift of big boobs. Boobs that you could take a mountain bike and park it between, the boobs and the bike would stand up on it's own.

You may ask why am I telling you about this, here is why.

About 2 months ago Jane and I went out to grab some lunch. We went to Twin Peaks, which if you don't know is like an up(per) class Hooters. The girls are youngish and the food is Great, but then again the girls are too. Our waitress was nice, sweet and cute, but she was let's say... lacking. So two months later, who do I run into at my work? You guessed it, our waitress from Twin Peaks. Yep, she was there for some new boobs and by god I was happy to give them to her.

Here is the kicker, she remembered me. After the surgery she looked at me and grab my hand and said "Thank you so much for my new boobs. Do you think they will get me more tips?" I don't think life can get any better.

I think I have a new fetish!!!

Thanks to the all knowing, all powerful Jane I think I have a new fetish. It is called Plushophilia, if you are not sure what this wonderful new word means here is what it is. Plushophilia is the attraction to plushies and stuffed animals. The pictures that follow is not for everyone, people weak of heart, children, and women that are pregnant or could become pregnant should not look at these pictures.


Jane first introduced me to my new special friend, Bedtime Bear. Bedtime Bear is sweet, caring, and romantic. But Blue as I like to call her has a wild and kinky side.

Blue has the flare to get kinky and wild in front of other people. She like to be pleasured first and was very demanding. It was all about her.

But after she was pleased many many times it was my turn. I forced that sweet thing down and had my wicked way with her.

I am so happy that Jane opened my eyes to the wonderful world. But my heart was quickly broken shortly have my love session with Blue. Blue left me for Jane's younger and hairier brother.

I will never love another plushie like I loved Blue.

werewolf movies or just crap????

So there was a forum were people were talking about werewolf movies. So they were listing off werewolf movies that they say are Great. I agree some of them are, but then again some are crap. Here is the list so let me know what you think. Please if you know any other great werewolf movies please tell me.

Dog Soldiers - great
Ginger Snaps trilogy - great
The Company Of Wolves - haven't seen
The Howling - great
An American Werewolf in London - great
Wolfen - crap
Silver Bullet - great
Red Ridding Hood - haven't seen
The Beast Must Die - good
Meridian - haven't seen
Badmoon - haven't seen
Wilderness - haven't seen
The Curse - good
Blood and Chocolate - haven't seen
Teenwolf - good movie, but crap as a werewolf movie

Hands to yourself DAMNIT

Ok, so I am at a local burger place (Red Robin). So I am sitting there minding my own business when someone grabs my ass. Ok so I am sitting, how can someone grab my ass while I am sitting you may ask. Just before the ass grab I felt something hit my back and fall between the chair and my back. So I am thinking she dropped something and reached for it and just bumped my butt. Ok sounds good to me, but no it happens two more times. So please tell me what the hell is up with that. I feel so violated.

Icyhot is not the answer...

So there I was, laying on the bed with my shirt off. When a Penguin swooped down and jizzed IcyHot all over my back. then with its flippers it started to rub the Icyhot onto my back. Of course it felt good at first. My back was hurting. But then I soon realized that the skin on my back was very very dry. As I screamed a quiet scream and tears flowed from my eyes. I then realized that IcyHot and dry skin don't mix. As I ran for the shower, the penguin yelled Sorry, but it was a little late.